when i saw you

the things our subconscious chooses to hold on to is such a mystery: i wake up each morning with a breathlessness that belies what you mean to me, but maybe deep down inside, the ache hasn’t faded, i’ve just gotten used to it.

what i’ve since realized is that the hardest part about break ups is realizing that somewhere along the way, the other person decided you weren’t the best pick; and the rejection hurts because it’s a solid sign that you are not good enough. Schopenhaur says it’s our will-to-life, and maybe that’s why it hurt: that deep down inside, your subconscious knew and deep down inside, I know that it’s me who chased you away.

So i learn from my mistakes; to hide the crazy, and I smile and keep my hopes at bay to keep the stranger away, so that this new him can’t ever hurt me the way you did, but to love is to be vulnerable, and I have to learn to let these walls fall, or learn to not love at all.

it’s such a tedious, strenuous existence; the loss of an innocence that can never be recovered, and it’s a truth my subconscious craves; something I can never get over because I can’t understand. Why is a never-ending charade of questions, and so I have to let go of the charade; to allow myself the chance to live. 

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