The Things I’ve Found

Love doesn’t make things better. 

There was safety in the knowledge that love was magic; back when I was a child. Growing with the grace of a woman has proven a much tougher endeavour than I care to admit. Responsibilities have a way of making innocents guilty and what I’ve learnt is that Love isn’t this all knowing, all encompassing cure-all. 

Sometimes, just loving something or someone isn’t enough to make them want to stay. I’ve lived the cliches and I’ve said the pleasantries; done the time and ran out of analogies. Tired my soul of over-analyzing and analyzing and realizing and accepting and beginning all over again and found that “Time heals everything”. Pain ebbs and flows and it’s the circle of love. Realized with a profound hurt that Loving and Living is different, and you can love someone, but that doesn’t mean that they’re meant to be in your life. 

Realized: Dreams change over time. 

When I was 16 all I wanted was a quiet existence: living freely; making enough to move from town to town. These ambitions have changed and I’ve found a power in making my dreams reality – a responsibility to myself and for my future. 
It’s scary how age puts other things into perspective and changes your outlook of the world. Back then, I would’ve given anything to be free. Now, I’m realizing that Freedom has different meanings and LJ’s words have never rung more true.

Who you are isn’t “out there, somewhere”, but right here: inside.

Family is a blessing and a curse. Responsibility and Freedom go hand in hand and until you learn how to embrace your responsibilities, there may never be freedom. Above all, freedom is a decision. I used to think of freedom as an escape. 

I’ve ran, and I’ve returned. I’ve resented returning and been the prodigal child come home. I’ve lived partially and what I thought of as fully. I’ve looked back with regrets and come to terms with escapism. I used to pride myself on being the greatest escapist. Used to wear my hurt like an armour; used my words as barbs and flung fury at the world. 

Realized: my anger was misdirected and I’ve become good at recognizing who I’m resentful towards. Mostly, it’s internalized. 

Angry at the world cause I’m angry at myself, and I’m no longer sure if this is living, if this is love, or if any of this is as temporary as I was once convinced it was. All I know is that emotions come and go and there are days that are better and days when I’m worst, but mostly, there’s a comfort in acknowledging that the only person I have for certainty is myself; and it’s a lonely existence – a full circle. 

Realized: like venn diagrams, sometimes we overlap and those instances are the sweetest. We have to let these pass and hold on for the moment, in the moment, but once that’s gone, we should just let them go… for ourselves. 

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