june 11. 2013: to the boy i loved, and the man he’s become

i loved you in a way that i can never love again. 

despite the boys who have tried taking your place. i loved you with a single hearted determination that scared me. loved you with all that i ever thought i would be capable of and more. loved you with a passion that surpasses all other loves i’ve ever held, and it is this doppelganger of yours that i hold on to; unable to let go.

this new adult relationship i’ve come into is wildly mundane; all straight talks and no beating about the bush. it is what it is and he is who he is and he accepts me for who i am. listening to me talk myself through adulthood. 

he listened to me cry when you told me about your new girl. he listened to me philosophize my feelings for you. he listened to me and loves me for my past. he accepts that you played a large hand in shaping who i am today, in shaping how i love today, and his maturity rubs off on me. 

but i was nineteen when i loved you, and nineteen is an age you can never get back. it’s the end of innocence. it’s the age where life isn’t quite real yet. when love is a whirlwind adventure. it’s the tentative dipping of your toes into adult-like relationships. it’s when you begin talking haltingly about an imaginary future that maybe could’ve been. 

back then, i thought i would marry you someday, and we both cried when i moved away because i had to. today, i’ve realized some bigger dreams of mine, and there is a new him to guide me through it. to stabilize me. to hold me down to the earth in a way you never quite could. 

i’ve found what i wanted you to be, and i hope she’s who you wanted me to be. 

i’m not going to lie and pretend that looking at your pictures don’t hurt. watching you embark into this new part of your life scares me because it is a very real reminder that time moves on, no matter what. 

the him before you once told me that lovers can never truly become friends. if they could, then they never truly loved each other. 
in a sense, i think you understood that better than me. 
but i’m glad you tried to be my friend, even though that’s hardly what we could really call ourselves now. 

i want you to know that i’m excited for you in the way you couldn’t ever be excited for me. i want to send my hopes and dreams with you so that you never tremble with the fears that overcame me as I stepped into the shoes that took me on an adventure of beginning a career, moving to a new city, dating in a city that never changes. i know you never understood as I vented my frustrations, my loneliness and my fears. 

But you’re about to understand soon, and I know that I am the last person you’ll like to talk to about this, but I hope you know that the girl you loved still loves you. Maybe not quite in the exact way she once blindly did, but she does, and somewhere deep down inside me, she still exists, and this girl will always be there for you. 

and it’s a bittersweet realization that i loved you in a way i can never love another again. with an innocence that was slowly giving way to the awareness that life is so much more than love at first sight, and that sometimes, comfort outweighs love and factors that need to be considered are aplenty. i loved you the way a nineteen year old loves: fiercely and without thought to the consequences and i loved you because you represent a time that i can never get back again. an age i will nevermore be. 

so to the boy i loved, i hope you’ll become a man he’ll be proud of. congratulations and good luck.

yours always, 
the girl you used to love. 

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4 thoughts on “june 11. 2013: to the boy i loved, and the man he’s become

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