Realized:

 

I’m not a big fan of the Jonas Brothers.
I’m not a big fan of their music. I’ve never really been a Disney kid, but I do admit a fascination with Miley’s life.
How could I not? As a kid growing up, her life seemed so easy. So removed from reality. I never really thought they’d experienced emotions the way we did, but the way Nick Jonas describes this song, is perfect.

The boy I loved became a man I didn’t know.
The day before, we tried to skype each other for the first time in a long time. I’d forgotten a lot of the things I thought I would forget, but the emotion I felt above all, throughout, resonated painfully within me.

We all become our own doppelgängers.

He seems to be doing alright, and for that, I’m glad.
I’m doing fine too.
This song and Nick’s description is everything I felt in the moment we skyped for the first time in a while. The moment he told me he was graduating. When he said he was seeing someone new. These are just momentary feelings from a past me. A former version of myself.

Things are different now and I’m happy.
Happy for him, but happier for me.

I’ve learnt a lot, read a lot, lived a lot since I moved away from Vancouver.
I always thought he embodied the part of my past that meant something. That he was where I loved. But that’s not true. I loved him because he symbolized a beginning in my life where I was alone. He taught me to begin again, and when I moved away, it hurt that he didn’t fight for me. I thought he was the one that got away, but I’ve since learnt that there’s a reason things happen the way they do.

Sometimes, you have to learn to love what’s good for you.
Sometimes, you have to cry and just let it go.
Sometimes, you have to realize that just because somebody means the world to you, doesn’t mean that they can’t survive without you.

Most of all, what I’ve realized is that…

Things can change in the breath of a text. For a long while, I was alone in a foreign country, and so I held on tighter. But Time is the greatest distance, and I’m in the city that never stops changing. It’s hard to stay the same. I won’t pretend I am the girl he loved anymore than he can pretend he was the boy with that iridescent smile.

Life happens.
Love happens.
Careers happen.

People change.

We’ll always have the memories. We’ll always have that quiet epiphany; the strange otherworldly feeling of fleeting loss.
I loved him, but I’m no longer in love with him, and what took my breath away was the realization that I cared more about who he is as a person today, then for his memory.

 

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