why can’t you want me like the other boys do? they stare at me while i stare at you

you’ve won.
you know that. clearly. in the battle of who cares least. you earned the gold medal. and all that’s left is my dignity. 

i resolved to not lose myself this year. because i might like you, but i love myself more. and i have to start taking care of the things that i love. 
and because i love me, i’m doing things that i feel comfortable with. maybe those actions are going to be misconstrued as games or as me proving a point, or me being clingy. 

honestly, it doesn’t matter. 

i knew you wouldn’t call. a part of me always knew. 
and despite that, i threw myself out there.

sometimes, the universe gives you things that rip you apart. i have to believe that it’s because it’s supposed to make me stronger. better. practice for the real deal. 

M told me something once that stuck with me because it was brutally honest. One of the only honest things he’s ever told me. sometimes, you think it works, but something happens. something little, and it changes everything. maybe not the dynamic of the relationship or the friendship, but it changes your outlook of the future with that person. it allows you to see that it won’t work, or it will. 

i used to love the quote that hope is the idea that it never ends, but i’m glad we did. 
i’m glad we ended before we really began because while i was really excited about you, i think there was a part of me that always knew. 

we’re both immature. 
we both reacted. 

and maybe the outcome wasn’t the best. our reactions definitely weren’t. but they spoke volumes about us. 

and yes, it’s sad. i’m sad. 
but life goes on. our bodies heal. our hearts heal. we begin again. shiny and whole. 

and i wish you all the best. 

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