i can smile now. like actually, physically hurt from smiling.
i haven’t felt like this in such a long time; this high, and i know i wrote about lows, but life is a constant battle to get uphill, and i’m running, running, running, and for the first time, i feel like maybe i’m arriving.
i don’t know where, but at least i’m getting somewhere.
it might be because i’ve settled into a new pattern; new faces that have become as familiar as the face i see in the mirror. new voices that have settled into the hairs of my ear so that hearing them is a warm embrace.
it might be because the holidays are over, and the new year is a reminder that i’ve survived more than i thought i could.
it might be because the feeling of slow death has evaporated and i’ve acknowledged that you hurt me, but that’s a hurt that’s become a memory that i have to think real hard to remember.
mostly, it’s because today’s one of those days, when everything is OK and i’m excited and i’m happy for the most tenuous reasons. and my bed may be cold and empty, but i’m sweeter.