what normal is and what i wish

i want someone to fight for me.

and i don’t mean that in a romantic way either. 
i think i’m just tired of having to stand up for myself. a friend asked (and he knows who he is) why i’m so defensive. 

it’s not something that i can help.
i have to be defensive because i’ve never had anyone stand up for me before. never had someone on my side, and so i don’t know how to be otherwise.

i wish i had the sort of childhood where my parents had been protective of me, like other parents are of their children. 
i wish i had the sort of friends who were people i could turn to instead of people who barely tolerate me.

i wish i was the sort of person who understands how to be a real person.

but i’m not. 
and there are many excuses for the way i am, but most of all, i wish you had fought for me because you were the first person to ever say you were protective of me. you were the first person who ever protected me. 

and then you went away.

so please forgive me while i struggle with trying to rid myself of you, and to let you go, and please, above all, bear with me while i heap my expectations of love on you. i know it’s an unnecessary burden at this point, and i’m truly, madly, deeply sorry. 
but i still need you. now more than ever.

or maybe just someone who’ll protect me, because right now, i’m more alone than ever. 

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One thought on “what normal is and what i wish

  1. Choosing to think you are alone or not is a frame of mind. There are people out there that genuinely do care about you. But perhaps, you are too quick to dismiss them as “tolerating” you. You are unique. And getting you is hard. But you might be surprised that there are ppl out there that do want to empathize with you, to let you know that it’s fine to be the way you are. And they are not saying just so they have to tolerate you. But more so because for some stupid reason or another, they care.

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