a hundred days of happiness: day 15 – the double edged sword

what expanding your universe really means.

Lyrics by Lemonpost (taken off dA)

i’m really, really, really happy for you. you’re expanding your universe too and i can’t fault you that. Saving Jane has a song that is so apropos of this moment: i’m so happy for you baby i could cry. 

i don’t expect to let you go overnight and i fully knew when i embarked on my journey that there would be days when i’ll be flying high and then there would be days like this. when my heart aches with a quiet pang because your universe is expanding quicker than mine. your balloon is flying higher and you’re so far ahead of me, i don’t even think the term “moving on” applies to you because you’re gone.

i try to hold on to the memories that were great. the ones that meant something because to paint you as the bad guy would be a horrid thing for me to do. but my world didn’t so much expand as collapse around me, and i took off flying because there was no other way but up.

today, i am a mess of empty. i am a blizzard of pain. i am an echo of a smile. i could pretend but what’s the use? i am happy for you. i’m so happy i could cry and i’ll wake up every morning pretending that we are still ok. i know in my heart that we are never ever getting back together. i know this and i know that i don’t even want to anymore but there is still that ache. the ache that comes from knowing that the other person has moved on. and it’s jokes wearing out and being forgotten. it’s being really, really tired.

time erases everything.
the remnants of a smile. the fragments of a kiss. the sureness of your emotions. at one point in my life, i thought i was going to marry you. i saw the life we imagined with the backyard and kids and two dogs and a cat. i saw our cars in the garage side by side and i’m pretty sure you saw that too when you sung me payphone and asked me if i thought fairytales really existed because maybe if they did, we would’ve had our happy ever after.

i saw all of that. but i don’t anymore.
i look at the dates permanently inked into my skin and i know with absolute certainty that who i miss is my best friend.

i don’t still talk to you because i’m still in love with you. i talk to you because for the absolute longest time, you were the one person i turned to and i know i have to let you go, but i’m selfish. i don’t want to lose this friendship. you meant the world to me. sure, my world is expanding but you once had my heart and it’s a little impossible for me to just let that go.

i get that it’s different for guys. i know what i know and even though logically everything fits, it hurts when i realize that you’re going out there and living the life you wouldn’t have before. i’m really glad that meeting me has changed you. you told me once when i told you my star theory that you’re OK with being a hurricane now instead of a passive breeze.

i’m really, really happy for you.
i sincerely hope you know that. the irony is that i don’t quite know you anymore and i’m sad because i’m not exactly sure i even want to.
and that’s the thing. that life goes on whether or not you want it to. it journeys through Christmases and birthdays. past college graduations and getting your first job. the pain becomes more manageable in everyday ways, but it hurts worst on a larger scale. realizing that the life we had together, or could’ve had together is lost. realizing that i won’t be there cheering you on when you graduate. that i’ll be a footnote in your life. a chapter in history when you look back. that maybe, if i’m really as unforgettable as you said, i’ll just be a whiff of a smell caught in the wind, reminding you of something that once was. i’ll be a song that you listen to with melancholy. so yea, it doesn’t hurt everyday anymore. but it hurts worst. and i don’t really know what that means, but today, my emotions are a double edged sword.

i’m so happy i could cry.


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