it’s 10AM, i’ve braved the rush hour crowd of a literal sea of people through the winding maze that is Shanghai’s subway system. i’ve managed to hem in my frustration with China and all the shortcomings when i compare it to home. i’ve tried to curb the longing for fresh air and wide spaces, being able to look out my windows and see mountains, not endless buildings and smog, and i’ve tried and i’ve tried and just when i begin to see the silver lining, just as i’m about to take a sip of coffee that makes it almost worth it being in China, i get run over.
by a bike.
and the woman didn’t even stop. she just ran over me and glanced back like it was my fault! no warning yell, no ‘hey man! look out!’, she didn’t even attempt to swerve, she just head on rushed into me out of the blue.
i’ve repeatedly told myself to be calm, to just take things in stride, to be fine with the little things that annoy me, because i’ve never been annoyed like this before. it’s like… everything i disliked when i was living in Canada has become intensified a thousand times over in China. everything.
it’s… difficult to find the happiness in being somewhere you don’t want to be, but that’s life, and you’ve gotta keep trying, and that’s what i keep telling myself. that’s what i keep reminding myself, and like Pollyana, i’m trying to play the glad game.
today, i’m happy because i’m angry.
in high school, i went through this period of numbness – i felt absolutely nothing, and i got to the point where i started thinking ‘what’s the point?’ in a morbid way… in a fatalistic ‘so what if i die? once you eliminate the fear of nothingness, there’s nothing to be afraid of’ way. it was morbid and stupid, and it scares me, frankly, that feeling of absolute numbness. of not feeling anything, and so, i’m happy that i can feel anger. i’m thankful to be able to feel frustration. i’m glad for a life that’s balanced between the happy and the sad, even if, right now, my feelings veer towards the negative more than the positive.
i’m not a hundred percent happy, but i don’t think that’s possible. there are 24 hours in a day, and the only things we can do is probably try our best to feel everything. all the little nuances of emotions, all the varied heartbreaks and happinesses and joys.
today, i’m not happy, but i’m glad because of that.
so today is hard, but i’m trying.