a letter to the boy who wouldn’t try.

S.,

i have to let you go. 

i have to let you go because this is unhealthy. because you’ve already left me in the dust. i have to let you go because i’m so damn heartbroken while you’re so happy, and it hurts. it aches right here, in the general area where my heart is supposed to be. 

i have you inked permanently into my skin, and the knowledge that it doesn’t mean a thing isn’t a comforting one. i’m holding on to the memory of a boy i used to love, but that boy is gone. you are not him, and fighting for you has become exhausting. my mind can’t cope, and my heart can’t keep up. i am done trying. 

i wrote of what today could’ve been, and made plans with you in advance but your new life is crowding me out, and it hurts. i’m done pretending i’m ok with that. because i’m not. i’ve never been, and i’ll be damned if i continue hurting myself like this.

it isn’t OK that you didn’t fight for me to stay. 
it isn’t OK that you wouldn’t even try.
it isn’t OK that you wouldn’t come. 

you can say all the pretty words, but the end is what counts. it’s always been what counts. and we have ended. you chose our end the day you walked away. i’ve been pathetic enough to hold on to the hope, only because you keep giving me hope. 

in the beginning, i fought for you. i didn’t have to, but i wanted to, and that’s the difference between you and me. that i wanted you and you? you settled for me.

that is a truth that guts me, but i can’t keep deluding myself, because it isn’t holding on to the past that’s stupid, it’s continuing a lie. i wrote once that i would rather hurt from the truth, and it hurts anew because this really is goodbye. 

someone once told me that people who used to be lovers can’t ever be friends, and i’m starting to realize that’s true. it always takes one person to move on first, to finalize the finality of a break up, and your actions have proved to me that you’re moving on. i left, but you’re the one who’s gone. 

i can’t be friends with you because i love you too much. love in a present sense, and i don’t know when i’ll stop, but i can’t keep up this charade anymore. why is it not alright to let the other person know how you feel? i loved you, and i love you and i’ll probably always love you, but you… you can’t promise me a forever, and that’s what i want. so as much as i want you in my life, i have to slice the strings because right now, you are my universe, and that’s unhealthy.

you chose to walk away, and so i need to learn how to stop dropping everything for you the moment you call. i need to learn to balance my time. i need to learn how to be myself again, because loving you was beautiful, but right now, i’m bitter. i’m angry and sarcastic that you aren’t trying enough. i’m bitter because you don’t have to try anymore. i’m hurt because i so desperately wish you’d have fought, but you didn’t, and i get it. it’s all me. i need to get over you.

i said i’m expanding my universe, and that’s not a lie. 

i’m going to relearn how to be truly happy again. i’m going to relearn how to smile, and to live in the moment, and to take things as they come. because, as Veronica A. Shoffstall wrote, after a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

i’m going to learn to grow up, and i’m going to be alright. eventually. i get the difference now, and finally, finally, i’m going to live what i wrote. 

i was wrong. this doesn’t belong to you Peter, and it never will, because you are just a boy

so goodbye. 

almost yours, 
– C. 

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2 thoughts on “a letter to the boy who wouldn’t try.

  1. I thought this was really beautiful. I sympathise with you as I too remember fighting for someone who just wasn’t bothered and the part about him not being the person he was really resonated with me. It is hard, especially if he still gives you hope. I do hope you move on and you’re happy. Good luck 🙂

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