i feel like i’m slowly being replaced.
it was a conscious choice to move away, and i know that. i’m so thankful for all the opportunities i’ve been given. so grateful for this journey that i’ve embarked on. so happy. and maybe if i remind myself of how amazing this chance is, i’ll really believe it for real, and be happy.
i just wish so much i could go back to last year.
i know i should stop living in the past, but i feel so alone. and lonely. i’ve been stripped of everything that meant something to me, stripped of all that i am, and forced into this environment where i literally have to be an adult. not play the role of, and it’s terrifying.
it’s frustrating because all my friends are still in university. they’ve still got their support systems full on. they’ve still got each other, and parties, and study groups, and i don’t have any of that anymore. i’m in a country that’s foreign to me. literally alone in a sea of thousands. i could make new friends, but it’ll never be the same.
and it’s self-annoyance i feel, because instead of being truly grateful, i’m revelling in discontent. upset when i hear stories of their summers, because i wish so desperately that it was me there with them, and not someone else.
i feel like i’m being replaced, and i know it’s childish, and i know it’s juvenile, but i’m hurting, and i have no one. just a mess of words to be sent out into the universe for strangers to read.
so what do i do now that i’m stronger?