Some days, it becomes impossible, and it feels as though the world has crashed down onto my shoulders and I don’t think I’ll be OK, even though I know, tomorrow, I will be.
Some days, my heart stutters in breaking tandems, jolting me from the lull of life, from the loveless pain of being too many countries away, and I break because I’m broken, and I don’t know how to stop being.
Some days, my fingers flip over themselves trying to write out the awful to get to the good, trying to convince my heart what my mind knows, that I’m an all or nothing girl, and since we chose nothing, it shouldn’t hurt, because feelings should be the same. But the heart feels what the heart feels, and so it aches, quietly.
I hope you don’t read me anymore, because the only solaces I can find are through my words, and I don’t want to hurt you. I have nothing else, except the aching empty that fades with each new sentence on a page.
It hurts because I left, because I couldn’t stay, because so many things are drawn clearly into the sand, and memories are waves, and lines become undrawn, but lonelier still is the knowledge that no matter where I go, time is the greatest distance, and even if I were to fly back to you, it wouldn’t matter anymore. It simply wouldn’t, and so my heart continues breaking silently.
There’s a playlist in my iTunes full of quirky little songs, aptly titled ‘Memories of You’ because each lyric sung belongs to you in my mind. But my head is heavy with regrets, and the myriad words unsaid, and all that’s left is the moving on, which leaves empty.
I want to be strong. Strong enough to tell you that I’m alright now, but I can’t lie, and I’m not even close to any kind of alright, but you need me to be, so I’ll paste the smile on, and pretend that the words you say don’t cut me.
Because I know you don’t say them intentionally, they are nothing but truths, but truths are hurtful, and for the first time since you’ve known me, I’m begging you to lie through the words I can’t say aloud.
I’m not alright; so damn broken inside, and honestly, I’m not that strong.
I need someone to remind me of who I am.