There are many degrees of pain.
There are the superficial cuts, the ones that are skin deep, that hurt for a second, and are quickly forgotten.
There are the cuts that leave scars. These scars linger on in your memories, and though they fade, there are still remnants of them… Little reminders.
Then there is the kind of pain that comes from deep within the soul. Like a cancer, it spreads, silently and deadly.
These cuts can’t be seen by the naked eye. They are described vaguely and almost impossible to heal. Their symptoms include panic, nausea, heartache, depression, hatred, fear and the full spectrum of human emotions.
When you lose things, or people, you also lose a part of yourself. When we were fourteen, K said that people are like glass bottles. The hurts and pains we endure accumulate slowly, until someday, the bottle can’t fit anymore, and it begins to crack, and show and eventually, it disintegrates. After a while, you learn the signs of the types of people you should avoid, the kind of situations you should not be a part of, and the tells when others lie. After a while, you learn to protect yourself, and you begin to stopper the inflow of hurt, so that you can save yourself, so you won’t crack. So your bottle won’t disintegrate.
Love is very much like that, and the older I get, the more I realize that there are certain pains that I would go to any lengths to protect myself against. There are certain safeguards in place, walls so high they’re impossible to scale, because the pain of seeing someone you love with someone else? The pain of seeing them happy and in love with someone new… That’s a bottle shattering pain.
R tells me I’m scary because while I love with all my heart, I can also switch it off at will. But you know… while I agree, I also disagree. I don’t think I know how to love with all my heart, because I’ve never seen love like that. I’ve never bought into the carefully orchestrated fairytale endings, or the Hollywood cliches. I don’t buy into the Great Perhaps anymore!
Love hurts, and after a while, it numbs down into a dull throb of the heart. A silent smile no one sees. A quiet, unnoticed downturning of lips. A flash of remorse through eyes. Nobody moves on. People just get smarter, because after a while, you begin to recognize signs. Realize that life is almost like a loop, replaying different scenes and different circumstances, with different people, but with all the same elements. There are only those few outcomes at hand.
So we stopper the pain, and shelter ourselves against the hurt, because nobody can tell us what happens after the bottle breaks, and we don’t want to shatter.
But fear of death, is fear of living.