your sweater, the calvin klein one that i teased you about, the grey and white striped one that i said looked like pjs? it hasn’t smelt like you in over a year now. sometimes, when i put on lip balm, i catch a whiff of the berry scent and it transports me back to that hotel room and watching the nanny together till odd hours of the early morning.
it was a shock hearing your voice again, i must confess. i had forgotten its deep baritone and warm timbre, but hearing you over the phone when you called me a couple of weeks back didn’t bring the same comfort or joy it used to, and i was left to wonder at my memories. wonder if it was all real, if we were real, and then wonder some more because you didn’t sound the way i remembered, and i realized i had forgotten the essentials of you.
that scares me.
that someone who used to be so important to me is now just a figment of my memories. that the things i used to take for granted, the way you smelt, the warmth of your hands in mine, the largeness of you (what with you being 6″2 and me being 5″2) and even just the way your voice sounded. the way you used to mock bruno mars, singing cover after cover of grenade and i think i want to marry you. the things i took for granted, are the things i no longer remember and that kind of terrifies me a little.
i feel like there should be a compilation of the things you will forget. like a manual or a brochure that people get when they break up with someone. when things fall apart.
you will forget that he hated cucumbers with a passion, or that he had a cat or even just the way he looked when he laughed. or… you will look back at photographs of your past and you’ll think “damn, he was good looking” or “we sure look young here” but you won’t remember the memory anymore… it’ll just be a false representation of some meaningless past, because that’s exactly what it’ll become. meaningless.
i used to think that the past defined us, that all the experiences we’ve gathered over the years builds us into the person we are today. i’m starting to think that maybe i was wrong… because the more i think about it, the more i think that cliche is false. i don’t think our pasts shape us anymore than who we are in the present, or the people we know currently. in fact, i think that when people look back, they say things like that because it’s always nicer to think that the past has some relevance to who we are today as opposed to merely admitting that in actuality, time is just a figment of human imagination.
the things you will forget are aplenty.
so how can the past define us if we’re constantly forgetting?
and someday, i will tell my daughter of the meaningless things she will go through, and people will call these things “milestones”. i will tell her that she will love a lot and lose a lot and give of herself a lot to people who probably won’t deserve it, but she will because she will be equally as undeserving. she will learn that hearts can break as easily as they can mend and the people who claim to love her best will also hurt her most. she will know that dreams don’t necessarily become reality and that who she is will change from moment to moment and she will never quite fully know who she ought to be. and she will get drunk and get sad and be happy and love and live and lie and most importantly, she will forget.
isn’t that the one thing we can most look forward to? forgetting?
because forgetting brings with it such sweet relief.