they say you know when you know, well, i don’t know

“Life is made up of moments but very few explanations. It is experienced now and remembered later. Some days we can take those moments and reflect on them and realize that there was a life there… one that was our very own, but also one that we shared with others…”

Today marks the end of my teen years and with it, a weary heaviness settles deep into my bones. It aches very much like fatigue, suspiciously so, in fact. Life moves on in strange lurches and lifetimes pass even as we move mundanely in our day to day activities. I used to be so afraid of growing old, so afraid of growing up until I woke up this morning and realized that I already had. 

Time changes people in discreet ways, until all that’s left is heartache and heartbreak and picking yourself up and starting all over again. Life is strange like that. Every year, I look back in retrospect hoping to come away with some meaning, hoping to be enlightened, but the truth is that I’m in this long and confusing process of trying to figure out who I am and what I want and where I want to be. There are no epiphanies. No “a-hah!” moments. None whatsoever. Only simple silence and an even simpler truth.

We have to start living otherwise we’ll just keep slipping. 

When I was 17, I tattooed memento mori on my wrist. In memory of a friend, a reminder to live everyday to the fullest because we could cease to be at any moment. The thought of dying then didn’t terrify me as much as it does today. I used to be fearless, and now… I find myself contemplating. I find myself scared to do things. Afraid to live because I’m terrified of dying.

But life shouldn’t be broken down into building blocks, because if we do, we’ll realize the utter moroseness of it all, and that in itself, isn’t living, either. 

So I guess as I embark into my twenties, the only thing I can do is to keep on reaching for something higher, something better, to keep moving forward instead of holding on to a past that’s dearly familiar to me and much loved. Life isn’t simple, but it isn’t hard either. 

I don’t know when it hit, but it did, and I realize that we’re only getting older. Every second. Every day. So there’s no point in wasting even one second of that youth wishing otherwise. The only thing to do is to keep breathing, and keep smiling and keep moving on. 

and once, i thought empty would be good
now i crave to feel the wind
even as it burns new holes into my skin

because feeling cold is better than feeling nothing.

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