ode to an apology

you consume my thoughts. every single night. every single moment. even in my fking dreams and i don’t get how easy it is for you to pretend to be normal when it’s taking every ounce of my will power to not break down and cry. 

i know it’s stupid of me, to try and act like it doesn’t hurt, but if i don’t, if i admit how much i’m hurting, i’ll just constantly be in pain, so i pretend otherwise because it’s the easiest way to be fine, and maybe i’m so good at being fine that everyone thinks i’m happy. but tell me how i’m supposed to be anything but sad. tell me how i’m supposed to be happy and OK and totally not hurting over you when for all i wanted for half a year is you. 

but forget it. 

i guess i’m just sentimental or whatever. because for the first time, i put my feelings before yours and of course it’s about you again. isn’t it always my fault every time a relationship ends, anyways? my fault for moving on because that’s the only way to stop hurting? 

you want to know why i told you? because you’re my best friend. because you still have my stupid heart. because i’m still in love with you. because maybe i just wanted you to hurt as much as you hurt me. i’m just… so stupid and immature, but guess what. despite all my reassurances to even my fking self, i’m hurting. every. single. effing. minute. 

and the one person i want to care most, doesn’t. 

“whatever.”

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