take an umbrella with you if you don’t want it to rain

The sole purpose of living is to discover that there is nothing more to fear than death itself, and once we’ve eliminated that fear, there is nothing we cannot do. A wise friend of mine told me recently that “I’ve heard that the bitterness of life is realising that the point of life is existence. I don’t look forward to that realisation and still refuse to believe it”, and maybe it is.

Realizations are painful. They strip us of all the certainties and ideals we’ve held for so long. Socrates said famously that an unexamined life wasn’t worth living, and I think maybe that’s why break ups are hard. Why moving on is hard. Why growing up is especially painful. These are situations and times in our lives when we are forced to examine ourselves and our pasts, forced to think about our actions and consequences and moving on is a resolution. 

Life goes on, undoubtedly, and people move on and we grow up and things change. Those are tiny little facts that no one can change, and no one can argue. These are the things in life that are absolute. Vague, though they may be. Moments are fleeting. Therein lies their beauty. The fragility of a passing second. 

People argue cliches like “no one said life was easy”, and how true that is. The more I think about it, the more I believe that the things worth having in life are hard to come by. If things were easy, we would never appreciate them, and I think the more something is worth, the more difficult it will be to attain. This is how character is built, after all. Maybe we’re all just looking for the wrong things. 

The same wise friend also told me that every time I lose something in my life, I blame it on myself and talk about how much I’m lacking. But that.. I wasn’t missing anything at all, and that maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong things. 

Perhaps he’s right.

I’m done fighting the battles for others. Once, I thought that love was meant to be a chapter filled with joy and lust. I was thirteen then, and I thought that it equalled drama. I’m older now, but certainly not much wiser. I think though that the parts which hurt most, the part that leaves me gasping for air is that I’m so very replaceable. But… Just thinking and writing over the course of the past three days has helped me to understand certain things. 

Certain truths. 

We lose things in life, and almost always get better, eventually. It’s not a matter of whether I will get better, but a matter of when. The more people break up with others, the more they realize that it is that they truly want. The more they understand themselves as well. 
I want someone to fight for me. Not in the asinine way that teenage dramatics seem to declare, but in the little things. The quiet things. I want someone who will love me as much as I love him. I want a love reciprocated, and I haven’t found that yet. There have been so many brief glimpses of eternities and perfection and fairytales, but the things I want are simple.

I want someone to want me so much that it hurts.I want half a person, because I am half a person myself, and maybe it’s naive, but that way, we can be whole. Together. And so I can’t settle for anything less anymore. I can’t compromise who I am for anyone else any longer. Because for the first time in my life, I understand what people mean when they say “I’m worth it”. 

I’ve reached my realization. 


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