ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

it’s a breathless feeling that grabs you by the throat and throttles you. leaves you gasping for air, grasping for straws, leaves you pained and helpless and hopeless and alone and bitter.

silly little me, thinking that when you fall in love, it will be for forever. too bad even forevers have expiration dates now. endings are painful. let’s start with beginnings instead. when i was eighteen, i wanted to write an epic love novel. an epic love novel where constellations aligning and breaths being stolen and suns and moons being replaced were all relevant in an entirely non-cheesy, abstractly, beautifully worded way (of course).

but… beginnings are sweet. they’re when the world seems happy and shiny and new. when everything is a new discovery, uncovered with fanfare of the heart: fireworks, parades, the budding seed of love. it fills you so entirely, compels you to smile stupidly and giggle and makes you want to dance, to jig, to sing. love is wonderful! until… it isn’t anymore.

what i wish i had understood growing up: beginnings are as hard as endings. if not, more so.

they’re the defining moments when you take apart all that you are, and all that the other person is, and you begin to realign yourselves, to settle into a rhythm where you can co-exist happily, in a little blissful bubble of hope and dreams and expectations. you begin to carve out new territories in the other’s skin. you trade secrets and jokes, little nuances of emotions that no one else is able to differentiate so that all that matters is simple. you and him.

but…

Love is hard. Relationships are hard. Being in your twenties is hard. These are things nobody ever really tells you.

My mom once said that being in a relationship with someone takes more than just effort or time. It takes patience and understanding, to realize their temperaments, to dissect the subtle expressions on their faces, to move when they move… That’s what it really means to fall in love with someone. To give them things before they ask. To be all that they want without really wanting anything in return.

But she also said, “know your worth”, so I guess it’s really subjective.

“I may be blunt to a fault at times, but you always know where you stand with me. If I want something, I’ll ask. If I think something, I’ll tell you. I need you to do the same thing. You have angles that you play, bets you make, or you disengage entirely. You can’t do that with me.”

i think kids these days date and they break up and they start all over again because people are people and sometimes we change our minds. sometimes, we need validation. we need to know that there might be a certain degree of permanence, because ultimately, that’s what everyone craves, right? something concrete. it’s easy to get caught up in being scared, but sometimes, taking a chance and living is worth it.

i wish life was simple. i wish love was simple… like a retro pop song, when i fall in love it’ll be for forever, or like a cheap bubblegum romance novel with cosmic stars aligning and i met someone‘s.

only… i’ve never bought into the cliches of meeting someone before. because the truth is, you meet people everyday, but the stars don’t align, and the earth doesn’t move any more than the amount it already travels in its daily rotation.

the idea of fireworks and butterflies observed from a casual, cool distance of reader and words. the abstract thoughts of grandiose declarations caricatured into something wildly verbose and tacky. captured within the sticky pages of mass publication. i bought into the consumerism of love because that’s what we’re meant to do. idolize what could be or might be. the hero with his grand gestures and heartbreaking candidness towards a heroine who would at first hate him and eventually they would fall in love and the epic romance novel would be writ. despite that, i’ve never bought into the romance as much as the idea of romance.

but this summer, i met someone.
and the stars f-cking aligned.

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