what a difference a day makes: 24 little hours

Snow by rockmantica (on deviantArt.com)

Things change. And people leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.

Nostalgia is a funny thing.
It fills you with a sense of regret, of deepest longings, of emptying loss. It burns you from the inside out and threatens to break you down every time you think you’re fine.

Nostalgia hurts.
It hurts from the knowledge that you were once happy. People yearn for the things that have past because it’s something that they know. It’s something that they’ve experienced. It’s something felt. She & Him croon change is hard and how true is that, really?

I think that maybe it’s human nature to yearn for the past because we reject the unknown. We are afraid to leap into something new because we don’t know what will happen if we do, but the moment we’ve done it before, we’re unafraid to do it again. Over and over. Because we know what to expect.

Relationships are a little like that, wouldn’t you say?

New beginnings are always terribly fun. There’s so much excitement and the falling, oh. The falling. That giddy excitement that pours from your very being, filling you up so wholly, wrapping you in a blanket of wondrous happiness. So fairytale like. So fantastic. The first time you hold hands; the shiver that runs up your arms from the accidental brushing of fingers as they slowly learn to interlock. The first kiss; that butterfly inducing second when your lips gently touch, and you feel it. Something. Unnameable. The moments after, when you run home and want to tell your best friend about it.

The honeymoon period when all you wanted was to spend time together, trying to find out as much as you possibly can, where minutes slip into hours and days into weeks, until Summer ends and impossibly, Winter begins.

Until one day, you wake up and feel as though he’s the only thing in the world that matters to you.

I feel a terrifying emptiness from the thought of losing you.
I’m so afraid that you’ll arrive at a place where you don’t want me in your life anymore. Where you no longer want to try.

I’m so afraid that one day, you’ll start to forget about me, and the memories we shared together because I know that if we broke up, you’ll find someone new one day, and you won’t be in love with me anymore. And I think the thing that saddens me most, and leaves this gaping hole in my chest is that… I’ll cease mattering.

Just like that.

That’s the part that leaves me gasping for air. That I’m so replaceable.

I’m hurting right now because I don’t know anymore. But… Nostalgia is a funny thing.
People have an odd way of putting on rose-tinted glasses when they look into their pasts. Hollywood cliches have taught me that one day, we’ll look back at this and laugh.
The things that used to hurt cease to hurt after enough time has passed. I have to believe that I’m strong enough to be strong enough. Right now, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what you want, and I don’t know if I should keep waiting.

What I do know is that I can’t keep caving.

I can try,
I can try to toughen up.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s