Music, to me, is a necessity.
It’s a way to fill up the silences, because silences are empty.
The silence terrifies me.
So when it comes to music, it doesn’t have to be a song. It could be a sound, any sound, I’ll take it gladly. Because… My greatest fear is being left alone. Abandoned. Forgotten.
And that’s what I want to talk about today: fear.
You know how little kids are afraid of monsters under the bed, shadows in their closets… and various other what-nots? Well… Even as a kid, my nightmares have always centered around me being left alone. That feeling of utter, impossible emptiness. The vastness of the universe swallowing you whole. That pounding emptiness that comes from within the hollow hole where you know your heart ought to be. That haunting feeling is the cause of my darkest nightmares.
I’ve often joked that I’m one of those impossibly cheery people because I’m so inherently sad. Sometimes, it feels as though my sadness is a never-ending flow that stems from the core of my being. In trying to get down to the elements of me, I’ve slowly come to discover that unlike most people, I am not an onion. I’m simply a two-tiered box. Easy to look through. Easy to look over. My feelings are there on display. They require no probing, no peeling, no nothing other than to simply lift the cover and… the facade fades away quickly.
I’ve always lamented that the problem is no one really looks. In retrospect, I suppose I’ve always said that because it’s easy for me to say, because it’s something I can easily dismiss. That’s the crux of it though, isn’t it?
We think the worst of people because it’s easiest believing that others aren’t worth believing in. Because to think otherwise would be akin to admitting that people care, and if people care, then we, ourselves, have to care too.
So it’s easiest to say that we’re the ones who constantly get hurt. That we’re always there for others, yet there’s never anyone for us.
Because if we were to admit otherwise, we would have to face our own fears. That maybe we really aren’t alone, and if we aren’t alone, we should be able to stand up to our fears, because if we had others around us, there should be nothing left to fear, right?
My greatest fear is being abandoned. To be left alone.
I’m so afraid of loneliness, that I push people away. The moment they get closer to me, I pull away because for the longest time, I’ve believed in the belief that there is a difference between solitude and isolation.
There is no difference.
i’ve slowly come to realize that the defence mechanisms I’ve built up to protect myself from being alone are the very walls that are keeping me alone. In choosing solidarity, I’ve isolated myself from the people who want to care. But how do you face fear without using all the tired cliches, like I suppose at the end of the day, the only thing we can do is to let people in, and let them hurt us. The only way to face our fears, is to experience them…
Is it even possible to come out of a battle like that without reaching some epiphany fraught with cliches?
I think not.
How do you face fear, really, if what you’re afraid of is the silence of lonely?
My response to my fear is music. Music is important to me because lyrics fill my silence. I listen to words because they touch me someplace deep, someplace untainted by fear. Someplace that still believes in happy endings, and dreams and love. I let the pain of others before move me. I let their crooning words fill my days because to do otherwise would be to face the situation myself.
Fear is crippling.
It holds you back. It compels you to do things you otherwise would never do. It haunts you. Sometimes, fear results in regrets. And as we all know, regret is a lonely companion.
But how to take the leap?